And They Said I Couldn't Garden

I have a black thumb.  There, I said it. I think I bring my family disgrace by such wretched and awful gardening skills. I was tempted to take a picture of the recent flower that died on me for you guys to fully understand the way that I am capable of killing plants. But I spared your eyeballs. You. Are. Welcome. 

We have a flower box that I begged my husband for below our window that faces the street. I envisioned red beautiful flowers thriving in all their glory. I asked for the budget to purchase those flowers and my husband said I better buy them some place that can return them in case they died. He knows me all too well. I told him to give me a year and if I killed them I would just buy fake ones and never bother with buying any living organism ever again.  He came in one day from the yard and tells me "honey your plant out back... [I looked at him as he caught my attention] .."IT'S thriving!" If you couldn't tell by the capitalized AND italicized word, he was smiling with sarcasm. Just as that plant had died a terrible death, so did my red geraniums in my planter box.  Mind you, I asked for plants that you couldn't kill. Oh these are resilient they said, you won't kill these, they said...  They hadn't even made it half the year and they all looked dead and so sad. SO I returned them and got fake ones. I did however manage to not fully kill two little bundles. So I thought I would plant them in my "once thriving with plants that I also killed round spot" for the longest time nothing was happening. All I saw were green leaves. That's a good sing though. Anything not brown in plants is good right? So I left them. Doug kept threatening me to rip them out, to replace them with a tree but I kept asking him to give them a chance. 

A few weeks ago as I pulled in my driveway a bright red color caught my eye! MY FLOWERS BLOOMED! My four year old got so excited with me she tells her dad, "Daddy mommy's garden is so beautiful". Ahhhhh bless the hearts of little children. So we named the flower FAITH. I am happy to report that because God has sent in some rain (because I have forgotten to water the thing) FAITH the geranium, has multiple buds of flowers and she is beautiful. Not only has she endured all sorts of adversity (ANY plant that can withstand my black thumb is a resilient survivor. ) But she in comparison to my FAKE plants now residing on my window box- looks stunning. Those fake plants do not hold a candle to her TRUE colors and spirit. Even though she doesn't look perfect, even though some of her leaves have holes in them, EVEN though some of her flowers are a little dried out, her beauty so radiates from the inside and has truth and life ringing through her that all of the other "perfect" looking flowers are left in the background and all I want to look at every time I pull in, is her. I know she didn't do it on her own. God has helped her and strengthened her. If he has done that for her what more can he do for us? 

Now something else that blessed my heart so much here is that the other day I went up to look at FAITH the geranium and to my surprise the plant that I for sure thought was dead next to her is now full of little buds that will flower in a few days. FAITH inspired her friend to bloom for herself! What an image. I hope to God that you are following my crazy mind here. When we abide in God and we allow him to help us have fruit, we inspire those around us to trust him to do the same for them. I hope that if you're feeling today that you are that flower on it's last days hanging by a thread, you've been beat up, you've endured your own version of my black thumb. I pray and hope that you hang on. That you ask God for his help and that you abide in his word and watch to see if he doesn't grow some amazing flowers in your heart.  He is willing and he is able! Bloom on lover muffins! 

Here's a picture of my FAITH and the fakies. Look for yourself, which flower would you rather be? 

Stay blessed and stay saucy! 

-Libier

The Bright Orange Cones

There is a HUGE project  by my house for restructuring a massive street that has freeways connecting on a highly trafficked street in my home town. It has been annoying and awesome watching these Cal transit peeps work on it for the last year or so. At first, it didn't seem like they were getting much done. Then came all the demolition and reworking the streets, Lots of noise with all the digging up through concrete and such. Lanes had to be blocked off, sometimes some lanes were not even open. It has definitely been an adventure leaving and coming home for some time now. I never know which lanes will be open. I can't just be on auto pilot, you know. Which by the way one time I totally drove all the way to my HIGH SCHOOL after a couple of years of graduating, so yeah,you can very much be on auto pilot. It seems like they have to be more in the completion stages of the thing and I have grown used to the way things are now, until today!

They are working on this little loopty-woo (yep that's a word) that takes you from the big scary street to the small residential street and it loops around. Well I was on auto pilot, praying, mind you and all of the sudden all I see are these bright orange cones starting to line up a very different lane than I'm used to. I got a little nervy and grasped at the wheel a little tighter and asked God to help me not panic. I made it through just fine but was a little startled (not much compared to the way I would've been like before. I used to have terrible driving anxiety. This time my palms didn't even sweat!). It was funny that I was just praying that God would lead me in my life. I was asking him to not  let me "drive far off from Him" at that moment. And with that image I had an epiphany that HE WILL AND IS guiding me. He has been since before I knew Him and even more so now that I am asking for his help.

Just as the construction project in my neighborhood, it's taking a little time for God to do the work that he needs to do. But if you could see my heart you could see a huge construction site. Some parts still look without shape, a little ugly if you will. Some have more structure. Some things God has had to demo and tear down. However, now my detours don't seem scary. Every 'WILD' turn I allow my heavenly father to take me on I can feel him holding my hand ever so tightly. When I need redirecting he will put some bright orange cones to lead me into the right direction. I pray that you will believe God for his word is true. Psalm 119:105 He said that he will be "a lamp to my feet And a light to my path". I want to believe him. I hope you do too!

Stay blessed and stay saucy!

Starting New

I never in all my life thought I would really come to know peace. My life has been beautifully traumatic, I've been shaped by the waves and crashes of life. Fair? NOPE. Needed to shape me into who I am today? Probably. 

God doesn't let us experience anything that He isn't 100% sure we can endure in His strength. Even if we're too prideful to ask for His help He is always there waiting, probably stepping in like a defense line backer protecting us from the unimaginable. Things that never came our way because God was protecting us from these horrible boulders coming at us to take us out. Yet we only see what does happen to come our way and our attitude becomes one of complaint and "why me" ( I'm speaking of my experience... It usually takes me a while to have a thankful attitude toward challenging times..) 

Our little minds and little faith think that our lives are going pretty good because of our own doing - "I succeeded in this and that makes me a super amazing human being.. mwaahahaa" we say- We pretend to  have it all together. Until a real catastrophe comes in and tears us a new one and we are left looking upwards wondering where God has been all along. God's wrath is not some fiery hell hole that we have to endure in this life. It is our own choice: not trusting Him and not letting Him into our daily life that becomes His wrath, because apart from God we can do nothing that truly matters. God's wrath is the absence of Him in our life. It's something that WE can prevent by just saying, "I'm trying to trust you LORD." "I want to love you with all my heart." "I don't know how, but I want you to show me." The tricky part is that we need to be ready for all of the undoing that God has to do, to give us the ability to trust and let Him.  We have to die to ourselves and make many changes in our life to truly say that we are all in with God. This is not easy. We have to die to ourselves and to all of our preconceived desires of this life. The more we exercise trusting God and having a thankful attitude for the challenges that come our way, the easier it becomes to trust and to be thankful for some "catastrophe". God can bring a blessing in the darkest times. We just need to hold His hand. 

A part of trusting God and wanting Him to change our hearts has to do with surrendering who we think we are, and who we atta be. Everything that we think we deserve and want is not often what we need. God doesn't mess around. If we're truly coming to Him wanting His help and surrendering to Him we have to make a choice, to die to ourselves and see what He has for us.  Whatever His plan is, it’s probably a thousand times better than what you or I have in mind. Maybe we can't see it yet, but it's there. God promises us good news. He is a kind and gracious God that is faithful and never fails. 

Even with all the events I've had to endure in my life I can say that God has shown me a peace beyond anything I could of ever imagined. I would not trade that for the world. God will break us and put us back together much better than we ever were. I want to trust God with all of my heart. I know that I don't do that at all times. I need help, I need encouragement. But I know that for the 1.3 minutes that I can say I had 100% faith in God He has been faithful to me. And I know He will to you as well. TRUST. 

Stay blessed and stay saucy! 

Ouch My Finger

Sometimes the simplest things in life can have such an amazing lesson. Take my finger for instance. I was a happy girl the night of May 25th ,2012. Everything was normal around the house. I was chatting it up with my friend and cutting up some delicious mangoes for us to enjoy like good friends should. In the blink of an eye everything turned black and blurry. I was in so much pain I almost passed out, gushing blood was spraying BOTH my eyes. All I could think to do was to put pressure on the very deep wound on my finger. The serrated knife I was using to cut my delicious yet somewhat lethal mangoes was to blame (you're RIGHT who in their right mind uses a serrated knife to cut a mango? Me THAT'S who!)

OKAY. YIKES! I'm so dramatic. Yes I cut my finger, yes it was deep but it really wasn't all that bad. I've had a band-aid on it most of this week and it's been so annoying. I kept feeling like it was going to finally close up and heal but somehow something would snag on the skin and it would bust open again. It was painful and simply annoying. And today it dawned on me. What if I'm not letting it heal because I keep wanting the "dead" skin to repair itself and I'm just too scared to cut if off? Finally I bit the hard and calloused dead skin off my finger ( I do realize I could have been less discussing and used scissors or something but meeh) And guess who was surprised two alphabet letters- A.- It didn't really hurt as bad as I thought it would. - AND B.- the skin BELOW the dead one was already healed and it was no longer cut, nothing is snagging it and it feels 100% better. Who knew!

Well then I took it a step further and thought, WOW we as people can't ever completely HEAL from things if we don't cut our calloused hearts and make way for the nice blank slate one. (I hope you can see the analogy, I don't actually mean CUT YOUR HEART OUT, if you know what I mean...) I can't let the healing begin in my heart if I continue to put bandages over my past, my fears, or my future anxieties. I have to CUT the calloused dead skin to move forward with a brand new heart. I have to put my faith all in and yank that sucker out to make way for a brand new start. No pre-judgments. No fear of being hurt. No thinking of "what's going to happen later" without FAITH that everything will be okay. I know it's much harder said than done. But think of how relieved my finger is....

Stay blessed and stay saucy!

What's Love Got To Do With It?

One of my first experiences with love, aside from family love, was my first boyfriend Zachary. He and I had this captivating love that started as explosively as a firework and ended just as fast. We had been in our relationship for a week and had already said the “I love you”s. Sadly, he had to move to Oregon because his parents were making him, (of course it wasn’t his idea, he was too in love with me to move) and so our love ended. It was the summer of fourth grade and I just knew my life would never be the same. We couldn’t keep up a long distance relationship, so we said our goodbyes. He left me with a love letter and a rock shaped as a heart- awesome! I cried my little heart out. I really didn’t know if my life would go on. I just recently read some of my journal entries from this very tumultuous time in my life and I couldn’t help but laugh, but in my ten year old me’s defense, what I felt for Zachary was the kind of love that cultivates in a week and you literally have no idea if your heart will ever be able to love again. Obviously, my heart loved again… again and again.

With every relationship I learned something about myself. Sometimes it would be something wonderful and others it would be just terrible. Baggage I wouldn’t want anyone else to know about me.  So I moved on, hoping that the next relationship would not expose the nastiness inside of me. But that’s the funny part about relationships. Someone will always make the little “monsters” in us come out to play when we least expect it. My experience of love without God in my life was conditional and self-seeking. It wasn’t until I got married that I realized that I was meant to love differently. No matter how many times my heart got broken, I was made to love time after time because love is a choice! The fireworks that I felt with Zachary when I was ten were the same fireworks I felt with any new boyfriend and especially my husband. However, the fireworks fizzled and that feeling of butterflies in my stomach was always something of the past. There had to be something else driving that love so it could sustain itself. The choice had to be to remain interested and wanting to make my husband feel respected and loved.  Not wondering what he has or hasn’t done for me lately (For the record I just want to say that what I just described is my ultimate wife persona. She is with me from time to time but other personas enjoy playing as well. Such as the nagging persona, the hormonal persona, the “You-don’t-care-about-my-new-haircut-so-that-means-you-don’t-love-me”persona, so on and so forth. I am not at all a perfect wife. I wish I could be, but this “choice” is ultimately the best version of me). Being married has sure taught me a few things about love.

June 2007- church bells are ringing!  We came home from our honeymoon and normalcy settled in. I felt a sense of uneasiness. I had no idea what I had signed up for. I thought that love and marriage were these perfect little butterflies that would flutter around the house everyday and we would always be smiling and he would always be my knight in shining what-cha-ma-call-it. We courted for only 5 months, got engaged, and in 5 more months we were locked in. So, you can see we didn’t know ALL the icky-ickies about each other yet, yet being the KEY word here. As our first year of marriage pressed on like a supercharged train, we went along for the ride. Finding many joys in the marriage as well as many dark moments in which we needed a higher power to help us! At one point in our marriage, I was having problems with an issue I’ve been battling with for a long time and I remember being so shattered inside that at that moment I thought I was unlovable by anyone. I was scared for my husband to see my brokenness. I thought that if he saw me this weak and sad he wasn’t going to want to be around me anymore. Skeletons of my past kept me captive and unable to move forward with my life. Horrible circumstances not fair for a young girl to have gone through haunted my thoughts. I was working out with God what had to be cut loose in order for the healing process to begin. I wanted to forgive. I wanted to rid myself of all the pain I felt inside. I got closer to God because my life depended on it. It wasn’t easy letting go and letting God’s love cover me like a blanket of hope. It wasn’t easy forgiving. When I made the choice to lift up my problems to the only One who can heal all, my salvation began. It was still very difficult for me. I can vividly remember one night crying in the shower. My husband heard my sorrow, got in and just held me. We didn’t speak one single word for a long time, he just held on to me until I cried out my very last tear. At the beginning, my tears were for how broken I felt inside and then they became tears of joy-joy for the love God had just displayed for me through my husband. That day my husband proved to me that he loves me beyond my looks, he loves me beyond the moments when I’m funny and kind and deserving of love. He loves me whole-heartedly.

Let’s jump ahead three years. It’s a hot August midnight; many contractions have been had. Too many if you ask me. I have been in labor for over thirteen hours and still no sign of this baby! Where is she!?  I was hungry, tired, and plain bored. I thought this show was going to be on the road much faster than it all went down. I was mad at my husband because he had just gotten to eat the most amazing smelling tri-tip barbecue sandwich, and the sweet smell of the barbecue sauce impregnated the room. Did I wish he would have fasted with me through this terrible two day ordeal? YES. Did he? NO. Anyway, I’m not bitter at him anymore, but not any-less either...  After being in pain, exhausted, feeling cheated with food, and bored to death, three o’clock came around. Guess who was ready to make her appearance? Who would have guessed that an hour of pushing a watermelon out of your what-do-you-know would feel like an eternity!  At 4:17AM, my little 8 pound, 21 inch slimy nugget got put on my chest. In that brief moment my heart grew about fifty times over. After having what seemed like hundreds of people in our room we were all of the sudden alone with our baby girl. It felt so bizarre, Mark 10:8 was apparent, “And the two shall become one”, and that we did! Whoa, I was in utter bliss and disbelief. I never, ever, in a bazillion years could have ever been prepared for the love I felt for my daughter.  Even now after a year of being a mommy I have a hard time containing all the love I have for her in my heart. I know that the way I love her is just a little preview of what God’s love is for me!  Dang!

I’ve been feeling love from my family ever since my mother’s first sign of morning sickness.  This incredible love fest has continued throughout my life. I have been so blessed to feel so much love from so many people! However, I will say that the one love that has made me fully understand what it really means to love is God’s love for ME. It is really easy for me to love people, when they are behaving in a way that I perceive as deserving of my love. It’s so easy for me to act loving to my husband when he brings me flowers and he rubs my feet. It’s amazing telling my little baby girl I love her when she smiles at me and hugs me. It is not so easy when they are being rude and mean, but that is what it means to really love, when it’s not conditional upon people’s behavior. God loves me even in the moments when I feel unlovable. He loves me in the moments when I least deserve it. He loves me in the moments when I feel completely broken and shattered. That kind of love is what I am striving for. I have felt love, I have experienced love, but I never fully understood it until I understood how profoundly God loves me.

Why I Write

Let me let you in on a little secret. I love writing this blog because I feel like I'm helping someone while doing it. Even if that someone is myself on days when no one reads the blogs. But I am far from always taking my own advise and I still need a lot of work in my walk with God.  I knew I had to start writing because God told me I had to. To be quite honest I never know what I'm going to write about. Let alone if I'm going to make ANY sense at all. You see, I was never a good writer in school. Shoot, you might think I'm not even a good writer now, that's besides the point. I now enjoy doing it and it makes me joyful. But anyhow. When I write all these things I truly feel like God helps me put the words together. Sometimes I will go back in time and read the things I write and think, wow, I should practice what I "preach".

I am in no way shape or form a  perfect person. I wish I could be on point all the time but I truly have many days where I am so deep in my own selfishness that I can't see past the hairspray in the room. However, the good part about writing a blog is that I keep myself accountable. I, at least have to try and do the things that I say most of the time. I guess I'm just writing this because I would never want any of you to think that I've got my whole act together and I can't take any advise or what ever. Because God knows that I am as far from perfection as Charlie Sheen is from getting back on any decent T.V. show (I'm sorry if you're a big fan). 

I hope you know that I'm in this as much as you are and if you ever need any prayer or anything please don't feel weird, contact me. I would love to pray for you. We are faced with such difficult spiritual warfare in this life and we need to join together as brothers and sisters in Christ and help one another out. If we don't who will?

Stay blessed and stay saucy! 

FAITH

This week I’ve been thinking a lot about what having FAITH means to me. With my father going into surgery next Monday, I’ve been trying to strengthen my faith. In searching for it on a very rainy day, I was brought back to last August when I went on a market trip to Ohio to visit my stations and learned a wonderful lesson about Faith.

It was a wonderful time of traveling some place new and meeting good people! It was 530AM and I had to drive from Cleveland to Dayton in my little rental car, in the mercy of Aunt Jemima (that’s what I named my navigation system). It was an especially foggy morning and I could barely see the road ahead, but I plugged away out of Cleveland and into the un-treaded territory. It was a nice drive until I got 40 minutes away from my destination, unexpectedly the sky literally got dark in a matter of seconds and the most torrential down pour started to hit my windshield. I stiffened every muscle in my body and a wave of panic washed over me. I could not see anything but my wipers going the maximum speed. My hands were moistened as I griped the wheel and I just keep praying for my faith to be restored and to not have this fear of not knowing where I was and being caught in a terrible storm. I turned the radio to get a bit of a distraction and all I got was static, frantically I pushed the scan button to get a better station… nothing ,static. Finally a station with clarity was on and they were singing a song about nothing other than, FAITH! I felt a sudden wave of relief, suddenly I felt a bit stronger. About a minute after I got stronger, I started sweating of nervousness again due to the fact that I could not see anything on the road. I had no idea if I was on track or if I was going to drive off the road. Panic was settled in ,nicely buckled in the passenger’s seat. About a dozen prayers later, a Wonder Bread Semi merged right in front of me! I thought, “Oh Thank God”, I can now follow Him and I’ll be fine, I put all my focus on the wonder of it all, and just stared straight ahead at the red hearts on the back of the semi. I got stronger! I had a little more FAITH that I was going to be alright. I keep praying for the storm to be over , over and over , and over again but my prayers were going unanswered. .. it wasn’t over BUT I knew I must have been praying for the wrong thing because I had faith my prayers would be answered if they were the right ones.

Now that I had a guide through the storm I started thinking what it meant for me to have FAITH. I realized that the “storm” I was going through was similar to when things are going wrong in life. You can’t stop the storm, you have to have FAITH that you will get through it! I was praying for the storm to stop, when I should have been praying for the FAITH to get through it all! Once I realized that, I quit praying for the storm to stop and I thanked God for my FAITH. I kid you not the minute I did that (the following is not writers embellishment, I promise), the storm stopped and it was like out of a movie. the clouds parted and it became the most beautiful day! I could not believe that all I had to do was pray for my FAITH to become greater than my fear. We are all faced with different circumstances in life that are scary. But when we stop to think that we have the ability to exercise our faith in those times to get stronger and stronger, and know we're not in it alone, it provides a peace unlike anything else. And as more and more “storms” come your way you can withstand a lot more. I hope that if you are going through a storm in your life, that you take a moment to thank God for it and let Him bring you closer to Him. Let Him show you the promise of Heaven. This is not our world.

Know that you are taken care of and that when you have God, you don’t need anything else.