So for those of you who don't really know me, I will have you know that ever since I have any recollection of thought, I've ALWAYS felt as if one day I was going to be famous. I love being on stage. I love to dance. I love to act. So clearly I'm destined for stardom right?
All growing up I've had people around me telling me that I have a unique talent. I myself think I'm very talented at certain things (I am also very humble, hahaha). I've always had that dream of graduating high school and moving to the big city and making it BIG sort of dream. I've always questioned God. If he gave me this DEEP desire to entertain, WHY then, oh why has there never been any real opportunity for me to become a famous movie star. I'm going to share something with you that makes me feel very vulnerable, so don't be a Judgy McJudgerson. Ever since I can remember I've always had the "dream" that someday someone really important (a big shot producer, or a director or someone that has really big powers) is going to find me on the street and say "You! There, over there, YOU in the pink blouse (I'm of course wearing the pink blouse-and he or she points at me in slow motion, and I turn very dramatically towards him or her-my hair flowing-ALSO- in slow motion-then our eyes lock for a second-we don't breathe and then he or she resume their line) I want YOU for my next big movie". I know I'm laughing, you might be too. But it's not funny, this has really been in my head for a really long time. I've always had a feeling of entitlement. My life has NOT been easy, so I deserve a big break. I have some talent, so I deserve to be a famous Hollywood star. If I were rich and famous, my problems would go away. I would give my family the life they deserve. I would adopt babies from Africa. I would give so much money to the poor, yaddy-yaddy-yadda. If this were the case than why do we see so much sadness in the stars we love and have loved. Heath Ledger, Marilyn Monroe, Whitney Houston....
I might always have the desire to entertain and exercise my talent because that is who I am. Does it necessarily mean that I'm destined for stardom and deserve to be rich and famous. NO! I've done a whole lot of soul searching. I've questioned my motives as to WHY I want all of this. I've wondered if I would in fact do all the "good" things that I envision. If I could indeed handle all of the pressures of this kind of status. And you know what, I can't say that I know I would 100%. Money and fame have a way of creeping into the soul in tricky ways. Greed always shows up for the party and you have to be a really centered person in my opinion, to be able to handle all of the fame and fortune that comes with being famous. I have no idea what it's like because I'm neither of those things. However, from some life experience I can almost guarantee you that it's just like "the grass is greener on the other side", if you know what I mean. Once you're there it might not be where you really needed or wanted to go.
I've had this desire in my heart because of a trait that I happen to have. So many other girls in this world, love to dance and sing and act as well. Are we ALL going to be famous, probably not. Here's where it gets tricky. I am in no way saying that you should never pursue your dreams. In fact I'm all for living life to the fullest, not letting any day go by with out at least doing one of the things that you love. For if that's how God made me than, I should want to glorify him through that talent he so graciously provided. Just because I'm not earning a living dancing does not mean that I can't just dance at my house or with friends and get the same satisfaction.
I realized that what I was really searching for was for the worlds' approval. If I became famous, it would validate how "talented" and "cool" and "pretty" I want to be. When I realized that I was already loved and accepted by the one who matters most, my heart started wanting the fame less and less. When I realized that I could dance in my living room with my baby girl and get that butterfly feeling in my stomach when she applauded me at the end of a dance- was when I realized that God made me the way I am to be a really silly and fun mommy. It's one of my good mommy traits (I've got a dozen not so great ones-so it's a nice offset). Among other reasons as well but my perception has always been that if the world doesn't recognize me, than I'm not important enough. That is such a crock of Shitaki mushrooms! I am important to God, and to my family and to my friends. I may never be famous but you know what, I'm completely at peace with the fact that God made me with certain talents and passions so that I could enjoy doing them day to day. Not to find the worlds' approval. I may never get the worlds approval, and even if I ever did, it would be fleeting. God's approval is FOREVER, it is constant and it does not get measured on how cool you are, or what deeds you do. It just IS.
Stay blessed and stay saucy!
