Before I gave my life to God I lived a life of despair and sadness. I thought I had control of what I did, and felt okay about sinning day to day. Not that I don’t sin anymore, but back then my sin brought me closer and closer to a life of sadness. Now, my sin drives me closer and closer to God. I used to think of Christians as goody two shoes that did nothing wrong. People who were always right with God, people who were very righteous and had trouble-free lives. Well, now that I’m a Christian myself I find that my life is far from a trouble-free and I am definitely NOT a goody two shoes. ANNNND I do so many things wrong that I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count them. But each day is an amazing opportunity to better myself as a person in Christ and that just makes me a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend.
I just had one of the most amazing moments in my walk with God the other day. And if it weren’t for the power of prayer, I don’t think I would have understood why I was going through it. I was in Maddy’s room and it had been a really long day and a long previous night for that matter. I get really squirrely if I haven’t had enough sleep, as most people tend to do as well. Maddy loves to give me the hardest times when I’m at my most vulnerable state. I think this is God’s way of grooming me, ha. I was trying to put her down for the night and I just was having the hardest time. She would NOT go to sleep, I tried to keep calm and ten minutes went by….. and then twenty minutes went by, I was still relatively okay but I could feel myself losing steam. At about forty-five minutes of trying to rock this child to sleep, I finally snapped and started rocking her a little too hard for anyone’s taste. I was just sooooooo angry at her for not falling asleep when I wanted her to. I wondered why it was even 20% fair that I was being robbed of sleep and of a lot of my rights as a human being just because of this little person in my life! What a horrible way to think huh? I felt like the worst mother in the world in that split second! I could tell I wasn’t fit to be around Maddy at that point and called my husband in to relieve me. Once I had a minute to eat, (it was 730PM and I still hadn’t had dinner, a definite attribute to my nasty attitude!) I was able to chill out and get a better perspective on the situation. She finally fell asleep and I was able to ask for her forgiveness and reflect on my actions and thoughts. I wondered why I had to go through that and after praying about it for a long while, God told me that it is only natural that I have unpleasant qualities about me… after all I am human. As much as I want to think that I am perfect, God reminds me every day that I am not. I keep trying to put myself in this little box, the “I’m the perfect housewife/ mother/ cook/ ninja/class clown” box, and to tell you the truth, sometimes it is really exhausting! In all honesty, I just really want to be a good person, more than anything. All the things that I do day to day are because I just want to cultivate a kind heart and live a fulfilling life, so I think of any character trait of mine that isn’t “good” as something to be super ashamed of. I try to bury my sins and my UGLY qualities deep in the trenches of my soul. But lately, God has been creating circumstances for me to let it all out! Why??!! I wanted to know right away why I was being called to get these nasty things out in the open. I finally listened to God’s answer and it was so liberating what I found. I can NOT be a holy person if I don’t admit to God that I am a human being and that I do indeed have bad qualities about me. I do indeed think sinful thoughts. I do indeed do bad things that are not Principal’s list material, if you know what I mean! But I shouldn’t be scared of these traits. All God has ever wanted, is for me to let him see into my heart and take over so that he can plant good seeds in place of the bad ones. God knows me inside and out, how silly of me to ever think that I could ever hide anything from him. It just fools me! Being a Christian isn’t about always being on point, it’s about giving our nastiness over to God and letting him help us cleanse from the inside out. The minute we let go of the control and let Him infiltrate our hearts is the minute our transformation to a kinder US begins. I know that I am not the only human in the world to have flaws, so are you letting yours make you a better person or are you burying them so that you can pretend you don’t have any? Let God into your nasty bee’s wax and let him make you new. Make the choice today to give your heart to God, He’s the only one that can fulfill you in the way you need, in the way you want!! He is the yearning that burns deep in your soul that no amount of money, or power, or sex, or possessions could ever fulfill. He is the one we need.
Stay blessed! Stay saucy!
awe, truth. thanks, libier, for being so transparent and honest. i have had many a days very similar to the one you have described and still do. so hard, but the focus is key. He is our focus. i love that you wrote this because it is so encouraging to me. i see you and i think of how perfect you look and how sweet you are, as i'm sure many do. but, alas, we are all human and have our faults and we must run run run to God with them.thanks for this. bless you for writing it! especially after today, when i blew it! loving getting to know you, sister!
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