Last year most of my weight gain; I mean ALL of my weight-gain, happened because I had the pleasure of hosting a little nugget for nine months in my belly. As the pounds accumulated, I vowed to get rid of my “baby” weight ASAP as possible (hopefully some of you are fans of The Office. If not, this joke meant NOTHING to you. Movin’ on!) I made it a point to stay active during my pregnancy and to eat very healthy food. This all proved to work for me, once I had Madelyn, the pounds just sort of melted off. Thank God! Now I’ve been training for a half marathon and that’s put me at a point where I now weigh less than before I got knocked up. Why am I bragging about my success in losing weight? I am not, I just think it’s going to prove a really good point later on, at least I hope it will.
Let’s rewind to my “weight” past adventures. First of all, I’ve always struggled with my weight; I am what I like to call, a weight yo-yoer. Second of all, I’m also an extremist; so I have a hard time with balance in a bazillion aspects of my life, one of which happens to be FOOD! Sometimes I eat supper healthy and other times I binge. Third of all, I think I am going to use the word “weight” lavishly on this post, so bear with me. Now that we have all these, “of all’s” in order let’s move on shall we…… There was a point in time that, even though I am not proud of it, I was making myself throw up. This stint only lasted for about a month because I was able to get help from God and stop the self- destructive behavior. What would drive someone to do something like that? After analyzing myself a lot, I’ve come to find out that there is something wrong with ME! Ha, there is definitely a disconnect on how I view myself and how others view me. I’m my own worst critic and I can be a Meany VonVincent sometimes. There have been times that I’ve been super healthy and in great shape. Then, there have been times that, let’s just say I’ve had a-lotta-more padding. When I am on a good streak, I feel great that I feel good in my clothing but the sad part is, even when I was the most physically fit; I still thought I could lose ten more pounds. When is enough, enough? Thinking back on those times, I realize that I was still thinking of myself as a “biggen”, even when I was at my all-time skinniest. What is wrong with that picture!!? I know that there is a fine line between feeling good about your-self and being complacent. I am a fan of always trying to better your-self as a human being, from the physical to the mental, to the spiritual, so on and so on. BUT I NEVER feel completely happy, per say, with my body. Then I started talking to a couple of girlfriends of mine about this and found out, surprisingly, that I am not alone! They too feel the same way. How can we live a life that is free of self-image paranoia? I don’t know; if you find out the cure please contact me pronto! I am not at all an expert at nutrition or fitness, but I do know that the more you stress out about a goal, the less likely it is that you can achieve it. The more I obsess about the girl I see in my body length mirror, the more this body dysmorphia takes over me and I see myself as something other than what I really am. I am a beautiful person on the inside and the outside is only a shell that gets me from point A to point B. The outside is not going with me when I die. I’ve been giving this subject up and am praying every day for deliverance of what feel like chains, and I can definitely feel a difference since I started praying about it. I know I will need to take care of my body to the best of my ability because if I don’t, my quality of life will suffer substantially. However, I need to start loving the shell that I’m in today. Not nit-picking at every part of my body I can possibly find a flaw in. I wanted to share this because I know how difficult it’s been for me over the years to struggle with this, so if you are too, know that you are not alone. Know that you are beautiful no matter what. All of this makes me wonder, what are we really “craving”?
Stay blessed, Stay saucy!
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